Walls

For someone who's so open about things I put up alot of walls to keep people out. I have alot of temporary walls up too, which i like to pull down for certain people to make it seem to them like I'm opening up, when I'm not really. There's probably only three people who I've ever let get past my walls. Ones holidaying in QLD, one lives in Wollongong and one I haven't spoken to for over a year due to a massive argument. It was that instance i think that made me put up so many walls. I prefer being so closed off to people. I don't know why.

Those days

Do you ever have amazing days? Nothing overly special happens, but you've spent it with your closest friends and when you sit back and think about it, you realise it's a day you'll never forget. But then that night you're sitting at home, alone, and you start to wonder about things. About life, friends, family, the future. And you get yourself so worked up that you're almost having a mental breakdown. You want to tell someone whats going on in your head, but you cant find the words. So you tell someone incredibly close to you, but it doesn't make sense. You can't actually say what's going on. It's just rambles, you need an escape. But there is none. They tell you to deal with it. You realise they're right. The only way to get through things, through what's going in your mind, is to just harden up and deal with it. You don't feel any better, but that's life right?

You wake up. Its still dark. You remember the windows covered. You wonder what time it is. Your phone is off and in the car. You're warm. Too warm. You roll over and look through the crack between the door and its frame. You can see people moving around. They're in the kitchen. You smell breakfast. You lie on your back and stare at the ceiling. There's cobwebs all over it. You need to pee. Is it worth it? You think about last night. The things you said. You regret them. They'll remind you of them when you get up. You don't want to. You want to wriggle into your sleeping bag and never come back. You have to get up. There's things to do, people to see, food to eat, things to clean, clothes to pack and a home to go back to. You close your eyes. You wake up. It's light.

Im so good at predicting things

I should have listened to myself
Instead i opened myself up to the one person i fucking knew would use me
Now i don't know what to do
So many people would say to move on
But then those people dont know our history do they?
I cant believe you did this to me.

What do you do?

What do you do when you like someone so much that in your eyes they can do nothing wrong?
What do you do when you start to think logically and realise how arrogant they are?
What do you do when you just stop caring about things?
What do you do when you put friendships on the line just for one person who will probably fuck you around anyway?

I didnt go today

I told him it was because i had school stuff to do
Which is true
But i could have done that tonight
The truth is i didnt want to go
I know i know, 2 days ago i was all for it

I dunno

Confusing boys are confusing.

Im going on a date on Wednesday

Well its not a date. Well. I dont even know. I think it is to him.
I dont think its going to end well. Us i mean.
But i think im going to go along for the ride just to see.
I mean, how do i know it'll end badly?

I dont understand the saying "Ignorance Is Bliss"

Nor do I understand why people think its so true
It's not good to be ignorant

Not in todays society
Ignorance wont get you a job, a house, a nice car, food to eat
It wont get you anywhere

Why is it so cool to be so fucking stupid these days?

The amount of girls I've argued with over stupid little things and gotten myself worked up over when I know they have no idea what they're talking about
There is no point arguing with an ignorant person.

I still do though
I think I like proving to myself that I'm not stupid.